Lost in Thoughts

i promised myself i’ll write a letter for my 23rd birthday. it’s the twelfth today (happy birthday, joonie. i’m proud of you.) but i honestly don't know what to write. a couple of days ago i asked my friends to write me a letter. i’ve been suffering with anxious thoughts the past few months and it looks like my brain is asking for hard evidence that i am seen and i am loved. the letters are the supposed solution for that. regardless, i still don’t know what i want to say that my future self would want to read so i guess i’ll just start with writing about what is happening now.

i am having a hard time

the past months have been difficult. it has been nothing like what i expected it to be. i’m not quite sure if the shit i went through before is still worse. all i know is that right now, it is difficult and i didn’t expect it at all. in all honesty, this was supposedly the time for me to enjoy myself and be happy because that’s what i’ve been taught, right? play is for later. all those times that i struggled with my self-worth, with choosing between what i want and what i feel like i have to do, with dealing with things that i felt like i needed but been deprived of, i had hoped that a time would come that i’d reap the fruit of my labor, the fruit of my struggles. i had hoped now would be that time. but i guess not.

i am tired

in all honesty, i am absolutely tired of struggling. sometimes i feel like i won’t live past 30, that maybe someday between now and then, i’d actually have the courage to off myself. i don’t want to do it now, nor in the next week or month or year, i don’t want to hurt the people dear to me especially my sister. i don’t want to her to just suddenly lose me and i know she wouldn’t be able to understand why. but sometimes i wonder, how long until i break? how long until i just couldn’t do it anymore? it’s not easy to feel this way for such a long time with no end in sight. i know a person can only carry so much.

i see people around me, friends, who live their day, unbothered and well, going about their day with such lightness. i don’t understand why i get to wake up every morning with fear and a heavy chest and have to feel that the whole world is against me, trying to catch me in a mistake. i don’t understand why i have to fight tooth and nail for every little thing in my life: to have enough money, to be good at something, to be loved, to be appreciated, to feel that fuzzy warm feeling inside my chest. i don’t understand why other people gets all of these and more, for very minimal effort while i exhaust all my energy trying to keep it all together because the moment i let go, even for just a fraction of moment, i’ll lose everything i’ve worked for and would go back down to the absolute zero. all because i got tired, or made a small mistake, or wasn’t perfect for a second.

i am trying my best

despite all that, i know one thing to be true: i am trying my best. with all that struggling, i guess there’s one thing i learned about myself: i don’t really quit easily. i’ve been holding that rope taut for years now and i haven’t given up (yet)

i have asked for help now and i have hope. i’m trying to see a perspective i haven’t seen before. it’s too early for me to properly elaborate on that, i don’t quite understand it yet, but i’m seeing new things and feeling new things. although things may be looking up, my therapist said that progress isn’t linear and that i would have to remember i could be going back and forth on my previous state and new state. that’s okay as long as my trend line goes up.
to help in sustaining that thinking, i’d been trying to celebrate my wins, no matter how small, and to acknowledge things i’m truly grateful for. it’s not always easy when you’re used to seeing the negative side of life but i am trying.

you are worth something.

i know that you always feel worthless, like nobody would want you. i know you live everyday thinking that the whole world won’t even notice if you’re gone. maybe that’s why sometimes you feel like it’s better off if you’re just gone. but you know that isn’t true. you’ve played an important part to the people around you the same way they play an important part in yours. i know that you’re very iffy being vulnerable about your wants and needs and you keep on insisting that you’re low maintenance and that you’re not clingy but it isn’t bad to say you love being in the company of people you love. it’s not bad to say you need people around you to make you happy. human beings are social being after all. there’s nothing wrong about being vulnerable, nothing wrong about being human.

you are capable.

i know that you always feel like you aren’t capable. i know you live everyday thinking that the whole world is trying to catch you in a lie. but you know that isn’t true. one hard evidence to support that is when your contract was almost ending, remember how two managers offered you a permanent position. even your boss wanted to make you stay. even your another boss told you she liked your work ethic. if that isn’t a proof of your capability then i don’t know what is.

you’re also so damn responsible. i wouldn’t give your anxiety a free pass for causing you all that overthinking but i also have to acknowledge that maybe the reason why you overthink about doing well is because you know the things you are responsible for and the seriousness of your current role. not all people are like that. not all people take their job seriously at all. even though you might end up not liking this job, it’s good that you take the extra step to make sure you do it right. that's a good work ethic right there.

there are things to look forward to.

things feel a little repetitive right now. stuck in the house, going to a corporate job, doing work you’re not even sure is for you. it won’t be like this forever. there will be changes and at times you’ll find it scary. but, things will change. maybe not immediately better. sometimes, it does get worse. but eventually, it’ll be good and you’ll see enduring and learning from the bad days won’t be for naught.

there are so many places, so many people waiting for you, so many things for you to learn, angel. there’s a whole future written out for you to live through. maybe one day, you can go drink coffee in morocco. maybe one day, you can go to france, asking the guard (in french) if you’re on the right train. maybe one day, you can see yosemite. maybe one day, you can spend a fun friday night with friends. maybe one day, you can go on a europe trip with your family. there are so many possibilities and they’re all just waiting for you.

pour 23 ans

i wish you finally get to be attuned with who you really are. you are brave and you are strong. at the same time, you are soft and you are vulnerable. i hope you get to use your courage: to do things you want to do, to push forward even though things get difficult and to let things do when they need to be let go. i hope you get to use your strength: to overcome every single one of your battles, to celebrate your wins with a level head and to accept defeat when it happens. i hope you get to use your heart: to understand and assert what you deserve, to appreciate and love the people important to you and to give love to yourself every single day. i hope that in the next 12 months you’ll be able to find the grit and shameless curiosity that your 18 year old self had. you have tamed yourself, to fit in the world. but, the world is cruel enough. you don’t have to inflict yourself more pain by holding too much.

I miss him. It's weird saying that. Saying that implies romantic things which don't exist. I like him, a lot. I think that's all there is. As usual, the one-sided relationship I'm used to experience. But, I do. I miss him.

I wish he didn't figure it out.

I miss the him not knowing that it is he that is on that list for months, the only guy whoever stayed written there, never once been crossed out. I miss talking to him, randomly dropping comments like I didn't half mean them. I miss asking him questions, without thinking the reason why I'm asking the question. I miss the careless me when I was with the unknowing he. He didn't change, yes. Not in large proportions. But, he knows and that changes everything.

I want to talk to him but I can't. I always feel pathetic, asking him the questions I could've easily asked him before. I feel conscious of what I'm saying. I feel cautious, on-guard. I can't function right ever since he find out. I just wish he didn't find out because I wouldn't be missing him this much.

Lost in Thoughts

Sunday, September 13, 2020

pour 23 ans

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

the color of february has always been blue

Friday, December 26, 2014

i need someone, anyone

i hope that no one ever leaves because i don't want to be alone with me

Thursday, December 11, 2014

lame poetry about friendship but it has weight

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

i kinda miss him

Monday, November 10, 2014

witness

Archives

Categories